then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
