god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
