Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
