So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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