I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
