Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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