My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
