Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
