it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
