I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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