I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
