I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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