why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Randomize
