Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
