just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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