So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
