He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
