Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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