i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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