i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
