Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
