I could make wine with my vomit
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
