you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
