Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
