Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
