Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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