When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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