We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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