Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
