How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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