He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
