I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
