When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
