I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
