You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
