i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
