I'm retarded. Again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.