he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
