I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This is classic penis vs brain.
whose parrot is this?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life