Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
