Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
