It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
