What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon