Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Success! We fucked roommates!