i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.