Dude my mom stole all your condoms
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.