Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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