Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
