Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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