I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
