take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My pussy is not your playground.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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