I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
