Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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