my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
