That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
