Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
