just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
MIDGETS
????
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
