Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We need to get me chipped asap
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
