Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
