I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
His nipple licking is glorious
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