He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
