It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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