It's Friday. Sex?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
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My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
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I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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