FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
