Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
